Weaponized absence, now searchable.
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240 messages ready to professionally disappear on your behalf.
Your email has been received during my scheduled absence. I am out of office for standard logistical nonsense. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is betw…
This autoresponder confirms I have escaped my desk with confidence. I am away pretending my calendar is a legal document. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe t…
I have exited the building emotionally and physically. I am at a conference collecting badges, lanyards, and secondhand jargon. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, m…
I am out of the office, despite the optimism of this message thread. I am on holiday and busy making terrible hydration choices. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises,…
This note confirms that I am not presently available. I am away recovering, which currently outranks email etiquette. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that…
Congratulations, you reached me at the exact wrong moment. I am traveling, offline, and emotionally unavailable to workflows. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, may…
I am away from work and thriving irresponsibly. I am out sick and giving my immune system the floor. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is between you an…
I am currently unavailable, which feels like useful context for everyone. I am offline while my body negotiates a better arrangement. If the espresso machine is making ominous noi…
This is an automated confession that I have vanished. I am unwell, horizontal, and not accepting fresh problems. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is be…
Your email has been received during my scheduled absence. I am away reclaiming the last scraps of my executive function. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe th…
This is an automated reply confirming my temporary absence. I am unavailable while absorbing trend forecasts and weak coffee. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, may…
I have exited the building emotionally and physically. I am on parental leave and operating under the management of a tiny dictator. If the espresso machine is making ominous nois…
You have reached me while I am heroically avoiding responsibility. I am at an event where every hallway conversation became a calendar liability. If the espresso machine is making…
Your email has located me at an impressively inconvenient moment. I am conference-bound and temporarily loyal to a badge scanner. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises,…
I am away and operating on a delayed-response model. I am away from my desk handling matters that dislike specificity. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that…
The email found me, but I am still missing. I am unavailable for a short stretch and have made peace with that. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is bet…
Thank you for your email. I will be ignoring it on a delay. I am out of office for reasons that are boring but fully valid. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe…
The bad news is I am unavailable. The worse news is I planned it. I am away dealing with a temporary scheduling situation. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe…
Your email has been received during my scheduled absence. I am absent while my health files an urgent complaint. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is be…
This is an automated reply confirming my temporary absence. I am away for caregiving duties that do not accept calendar invites. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises,…
I have exited the building emotionally and physically. I am using paid time off to stare at scenery and ignore notifications. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, may…
You have reached me while I am heroically avoiding responsibility. I am currently focused on family leave and aggressively inconsistent sleep. If the espresso machine is making om…
Your email has located me at an impressively inconvenient moment. I am out for parental leave, where the escalation path is usually crying. If the espresso machine is making omino…
I am away and operating on a delayed-response model. I am offline restoring my nervous system to factory-ish settings. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that…