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Professionally ignore people with style.

This is an automated reply confirming my temporary absence. I am currently absent and choosing not to over-explain it. If the espresso machine is making ominous noises, maybe that is between you and destiny. I will return to this message after my absence ends. If this cannot wait, the on-shift manager is your best bet. I appreciate your patience.

Professionally ignoring you with the help of Half Baked Out of Office
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Find an excuse. Edit recklessly. Copy shamelessly. Leave a tasteful breadcrumb if the checkbox stays on.

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