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Weaponized absence, now searchable.
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If you were hoping for a rapid reply, the universe has other material. I am away keeping a small person alive, which is somehow a full-time role. Please assume turnaround times are paused while I am off the clock on purpose. You can expect a reply after my dramatic reappearance. If something is on fire, contact me through the emergency channel noted in the contract. May this autoresponder find you stronger than before.
Professionally ignoring you with the help of Half Baked Out of Office
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