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Weaponized absence, now searchable.
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The bad news is I am unavailable. The worse news is I planned it. I am away from the office for a general and none-of-your-business absence. Project updates, approvals, and invoice anxiety can sit tight for now. I will reply when I return from wherever I flung myself for survival. If the matter truly cannot wait, text the approved urgent contact number. Thanks for adapting to the mess with suspicious elegance.
Professionally ignoring you with the help of Half Baked Out of Office
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