Take this and vanish gracefully.

I am out for sick leave and prioritizing recovery over keyboard performance and one more notification may cause a dramatic weather event. Routine questions, follow-ups, and ordinary urgency can survive a short delay. I will answer once I have finished fistfighting the timeline and won enough to type. If action is needed right now, please use the normal backup contact instead of this haunting. Do not improvise a sixth emergency just because mine looks entertaining.