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Professionally ignore people with style.
I am not at my desk and neither is my sense of restraint. I am away collecting sunburn, questionable snacks, and plausible deniability. Please treat most business escalations as suspicious until proven urgent. You will hear from me after I re-enter the building and the timeline. If this truly cannot wait, please contact the assigned backup. Please direct any further confusion into a neat little pile.
Professionally ignoring you with the help of Half Baked Out of Office
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