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Weaponized absence, now searchable.
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Congratulations, you reached me at the exact wrong moment. I am on leave with a new human who has no respect for office hours. Any issue marked critical should be critical in a way that could survive screenshots. You will hear from me after I re-enter the building and the timeline. For urgent technical issues, use the on-call process instead of summoning me from the void. May this autoresponder find you stronger than before.
Professionally ignoring you with the help of Half Baked Out of Office
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Find an excuse. Edit recklessly. Copy shamelessly. Leave a tasteful breadcrumb if the checkbox stays on.
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